OMG Déjá vu

Today was a scary time-warp experience. I wrote the following post 3 years ago and today I relived it. As I  sifted thro' a barn full of belongings,,,, sigh...Sadly the box of trinkets destined for my children has been purloined by an unscrupulous individual but that is their karma, and mine that I have to live with out it.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Pondering Hoarding

Hoarding, we all hoard don't we? Physical stuff, the mountains of no longer used things we can't bare to throw away. What about all those 'ideas' and beliefs we hoard? All that mumbo jumbo that we hang onto for dear life, the baggage that we think defines us.
I have been pondering this notion of hoarding all week !

Mostly because it was my daughter's 21st birthday yesterday and I decided to give her, amongst other things,  a selection of jewellery that had been given to me on my 21st birthday. These items had been stashed away in a campaign box for at least 25 years, along with semi precious jewels my brother had brought back from India, ( I had long forgotten to have them made into something wearable)  a letter from my father when I was at school, a cigarette box of  cowry shells collected on a beach in Ireland. A photo booth pic of me with very short platinum blond hair, a Victorian mother of pearl cigarette holder and many other unlooked at trinkets. Daughter can sell them if she wants, to subsidise a trip to India, I don't need to hold onto them any more.

What about beliefs? preconceived ideas? do I need those any more? Does your mind look like our barn, full of clutter?
Buddhists feel that we should walk our path on this earth and when we leave...leave no trace. We are all so caught up in this idea that we should not be forgotten. Everyone wants to leave a mark....'don't forget me, I was important'....
Filling in the Census a few weeks ago, I pondered the religion question. What am I ? Christian?, Buddhist? I don't know. So I didn't put anything..... 'Now' ist, possibly, 'this moment' ist ....maybe !    The problem comes when the tag 'ist' or 'ism' is put onto a word.  It's suddenly weighted down with baggage, beliefs. Ideals. We become entangled with rules and regulations. Hmmm.

Anyway....my point is.... we do the same with art. We become entangled with our notions of what our art should look like. Frightened to stray far from the norm.
Not knowing is liberation.    Aaaaahh !

A sadness

We may not always get what we want, but we always get what we need.

What we want 

is never simple.

We move among the things 

we thought we wanted:

a face, a room, an open book

and these things bear our names---

now they want us.

But what we want appears

in dreams, wearing disguises.

We fall past,

holding out our arms

and in the morning 

our arms ache.

Flowers

We don't remember the dream,

but the dream remembers us,

It is there all day

as an animal is there

under the table,

as the stars are there even in full sun.

~Linda Pastan

Flowers and grasses picked at Wied il Ghasri staining water colour paper.

One of my eco dyed prints.

Itchiness in the not knowing.

My body is on fire !    Not in the biblical sense, lol, but itchy. There is a flock (?) of microscopic white flies that are trying to eat me alive. They have just appeared and invaded my flat.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact the wind has dropped.  I was having a 'Hideous Kinky' moment last night when the onslaught happened. You don't notice these little monsters until it is too late and the histamine has kicked in...outch. I don't remember this happening last year and I can feel a can of piff paff coming on. As much as I hate using chemicals and indeed am concerned as to what it may be doing to my karma....urgent action is called for.

I have found in the past that a period of uncertainty and unknowing has been accompanied by a a restlessness and general feeling of uneasiness which manifests, in my case, as itchy skin.. I am certainly experiencing a trying time. Whilst living here on Gozo is wonderful I am struggling to start a business and I am finding it hugely frustrating. There seems to be a block in the road whichever path I take. I am set up and ready to go with all the right permits and documents in place and it just isn't happening. There is a hurdle right at the end of each very long road. Maybe there is a karmic reason for this and I should just trust the process, whatever happens is for the greater good ! easier said than done. There are other changes going on too and it is difficult not to get caught up in the chaos. All the time trying to remember 'all great changes are preceded by chaos' !
As Deepak Chopra said 'What feels painful in the midst of change is a new opening beginning to take form; it is darkest just before dawn, just as it is a complete mess before it all works itself out. Trust life to do what it needs to do, and recognize how you’re growing along the way.'

Anyway as is usual in situations like this a koan presents itself to me. A random trailing on line I ended up listening to a PZI talk, and there was the koan I need to investigate.

Book of Equanimity
Case 20
Main Case:

Attention! Master Dizang asked Fayan, “Where have you come from?”

“I pilgrimage aimlessly,” replied Fayan.

“What is the matter of your pilgrimage?” asked Dizang.

“I don't know'” replied Fayan.

“Not knowing is the most intimate,” remarked Dizang. 

At that, Fayan experienced great enlightenment.

..... and there you have it !

In the meantime while I wait for everything to fall into place I carry on with what I do. At the moment I am making some wearable art in the form of  upcycled clothing and accessories to sell at the Sunscape festival here on Gozo. Hope to see you there !